How heartbreak can give access to the deepest love

A few days ago my heart broke into a thousand pieces through immense sadness and grief. It was incredibly painful yet it was also a medicine that gave access to the biggest healing power I have ever felt, unconditional love. 

A heavy load to carry
My mother has suffered from Parkinson's disease for over a decade and is often battling with debilitating periods of heavy depression. This is a heavy load for her to carry and such a challenge for me as her child to witness without being able to ‘make it go away’ which is her deepest wish. 

At the same time I was struggling with my own childhood pains, unresolved trauma and defense mechanisms that, although I really wanted to give my mother all the support I could, were pulling up a wall around my heart to protect myself. Her depressions have travelled with us ever since the traumatic death of my baby sister when I was eight years old and then a decade later, the suicide of my younger brother. With losing my siblings I also lost a big part of my mother. And then Parkinson came around to take the last bit that was left of her and to finish the ‘job’ now also dementia has set in. 

The crack
The past six months things have been deteriorating and the time has come she needs to move to a nursing home, meaning she needs to leave behind her partner and her dearly beloved house. We are step by step preparing this move and the past week I was staying with her, arranging many practical things and taking care of her the best I could together with my sister. 

On Friday she had a home visit of a psychiatric nurse to check in how things were going. And this is when I witnessed a scene that broke my heart. Her alarm went off to take her medication and because of the dementia this has become something really challenging. Numbers confuse her and give her stress. I saw her struggle to open the little sachet of pills, checking the time on it again and again. She was trying so hard to do it right and battling the panic of not getting it right, being aware of the fact that she is not able to do it by herself any longer. 

The walls came down
As I watched her fight for clarity and take a grip on what should be something ‘so simple’ my heart broke into a thousand pieces and an immense grief surfaced and I started to cry for my mother and for losing her. I walked to the living room and wept, releasing a grief that almost felt too big to handle. And then I felt her arms around my waist. She was standing behind me, holding me close. I took her in my arms and together we cried, and my heart completely opened up for her. She was holding me and I was holding her, the walls around my heart disappeared. 

Surrender
This deep grief of losing my mother allowed in an immense flow of unconditional love and a deep realization that whatever unresolved issues I still carry now no longer need to be protected by a defense mechanism, I have to surrender them to this love, this is the healing. For me and my mom. 

Serve
Many years ago, as I was struggling with my mothers depression, with the fact she always spoke about the children she lost in every phone call we had, a yoga teacher told me: Just serve her. I could feel the truth in what she said and I did the best I could, trying to heal my own trauma without projecting it on her, without carrying her load, without bypassing my pain of feeling ‘unseen’. I tried to my best capacity but this ‘wall’ did not come down fully. 

Now, on Friday as my heart cracked, it did and all I can feel is: I want to serve her. I want to do all I can to make her last years as good as can be. I want to be there for her without holding back, I want to be present for her with all of myself and allow all this love to flow through me to her. Not because I have to but because I love her, because love wants to!

The miracle of love
Yesterday she was going through a photo album of my brother, and she wasn’t crying about him, she was in ‘love’ with him. She showed me his photo and with a big smile on her face she said: Look, such a beautiful boy. All I could feel was love and together we admired his angelic face, no tears, just love. And then she said: Why are you not in this picture? Here was the healing I was longing for for so long, she saw me. The miracle of love. My defensive walls were down and she could really see me and I truly saw her.

Why am I sharing all of this with you? Well because I hope it inspires you and gives you strength since we all can struggle with childhood pain and difficult relationships with our parents one way or another. When we keep showing up for what needs to be felt, when we dare to allow our hearts to crack and surrender, grace can pour through us. This is probably one of the most challenging tasks we receive as human beings on this planet but the medicine it contains is the healing we need. 

Durga
Throughout these challenging past weeks I have connected to Durga, the warrior and the mother Goddess, fierce yet compassionate, and asked her for strength and protection, to help me see clearly what needs to be done. I have felt this Shakti, this power, as me and my sister were making difficult decisions, as I witnessed the scene that broke my heart and I felt the immense grace of love and the strength it gives.

Lunar Eclipse Session: Durga Shakti
I am sharing a new Kundalini Yoga practice infused with Durga Shakti to support us move through challenging periods in our lives. Durga, like a wise mother, doesn’t solve the situation for you, but gives you the encouragement and strength you need to go through the storm and come out stronger and wiser, recognizing how the power of love ultimately sets all of us free.